New York Lawyer
January 26, 2005

Note From Holly: Last week I answered a question from an associate who was concerned about the attention she was getting from a married partner who supervises her. I received a couple of responses that I wanted to include in this week's column as they made valuable points.

Q:
One reader wrote: "This is in response to your question of the day for 1/19/06 about getting involved with a partner at work. You responded: "There's no question that it's the best thing [not to get involved], personally and professionally." What about morally? What about the fact that this partner is MARRIED and quite possibly has kids and that you will be forever a home-wrecker if things got out of hand? Is that not worthy advice?"

Another reader weighed in: "Regarding the third-year associate that `thought' the partner might be interested in her, don't you think, based on the facts she gave, that sending the signal she's unavailable may be a little strong? All she stated was, `He always seems to find excuses to chat, and a bunch of us have worked late and gone out to dinner and he talked with me at that time. And there's lots of kidding around.' She admits there's nothing `overt.' She doesn't state that they had any meal or time outside the office alone. Isn't it just possible he's a nice, outgoing, friendly person? He doesn't spend much time at home, but I can say that about most lawyers I know. I think the first question this woman should ask herself is, `Am I misconstruing these signals?' before she brushes him off and potentially embarrasses herself. Couldn't it be possible that he sees her as a high-quality associate, and wants to cultivate a good relationship with her? How many associates would complain that none of the partners take any personal interest in them at all?"

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A:

These are both valid points. The point about the moral dimension related to any thought of involvement with someone who is married is well taken and self-explanatory. The second point, however, is worthy of more exploration.

If we can't agree on anything else, we can agree that relations between men and women in the modern world of work are murky. We are still in a transitional stage where we try to work out the many ambiguities of workplace relationships, and it often isn't easy.

The lesson to take away from the second commenter is that it's important to sort through all the possibilities before coming to conclusions. There's no question that associates would love personal attention from partners that they often don't receive and that therefore it's vital not to jump to conclusions about a partner's "intentions," so to speak, without being sure. I agree that the points the original questioner listed are not immediately obvious as improper behavior and could just be the behavior of an extroverted and friendly person.

Also, many men complain that their efforts to be friendly are misconstrued in this day and age of highly charged gender politics. This can snowball into an unwillingness to have much to do with female associates in particular, as a defensive measure, and obviously that hurts all around, especially with respect to the advancement of female attorneys, who often are hurt by a lack of mentoring and coaching.

The continuing problem, however, from a realistic standpoint is that someone in this woman's position who gives the partner the benefit of the doubt may be appearing to encourage an improper situation, if in fact the partner's intentions aren't on the up and up. Therefore the obvious advice is to bide your time and see how the partner's actions play out under varying circumstances, as people's true colors inevitably become apparent over time.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work