New York Lawyer
April 14, 2005

Q:
In response to your column last week on female senior associates and negative reception of criticism by younger male associates, I think you missed a couple of possibilities.

As a young male associate, I receive criticism - constructive and otherwise - from at least two female senior associates. I probably don't take it as well as I should, but there are different reasons than the ones you state.

The first is not that I have not accepted women in the workplace, but that I am simply not used to receiving criticism. I also don't receive criticism well from male superiors. I will work on that.

That women in the workplace may or may not have been accepted is something of cliche response, at least for younger men. I did not grow up in a world of old boys clubs, and so I cannot relate to the reference. On the other hand, men do try to relate to women differently, and it is more difficult for us to keep professional for the simple reason that female senior associates tend to shift communication styles.

You lament that women are supposed to be nice ... and yet, most of the time they are. Thus, it is also the inconsistency in communications styles that may elicit, if any, an unusually negative response to feedback: sugar and sweet one minute, daggers the next. The dysjunction is confusing.

In other words, many women in the workplace have yet to adopt a consistent communication pattern.

Is this a result of the expectations of women in the workplace of which you speak? Perhaps, but I am not the old guard, remember, I am on the bottom looking up.

Submit Your Question

Find More Answers

A:

Your comments bring up generational differences as well as points about how people can be most effective in the workplace, both in giving and receiving criticism.

You make the point that women are probably better accepted as leaders by younger people. This is probably true to some extent, in that there is greater familiarity and comfort with women in authoritative positions. Nonetheless, many women have reported to me the phenomenon of men in general reacting negatively to criticism they receive from women superiors.

Further, your point that criticism is not easy to take, regardless of the gender politics, is a good one. All of us can probably work on our ability to listen to our weak points, including practicing what to say when hearing something negative, probing for specifics so to better understand the issue, and so forth (this topic is the subject of whole books, so it�s hard to do it justice in a paragraph or two). Additionally, however, this area can get complicated by issues like gender, heaping even more complexity on an already sensitive topic.

You complain that the women you�ve had contact with tend to be inconsistent in their communication styles. Of course there are plenty of men who exhibit inconsistent communication styles as well, so it�s hard to say whether your observation applies to more women than men. In any event, we are all well advised to hone our communication styles, especially when it comes to imparting sensitive information about performance on the job. Perhaps the problem with people who exhibit the trait you�re talking about is that they are not practiced at delivering negative feedback, try to be "nice" most of the time even when they are feeling very impatient, and then, when they can�t take it anymore, they blow their stack -- overreacting because they�ve kept a lid on their emotions and reactions. The better approach is to figure out ways to deal with problems and issues all along so that the frustrations don�t build up to the point where there�s an explosion, which -- to its recipient -- is a huge surprise because there�s been no warning or buildup.

Sincerely,
Holly English