New York Lawyer
June 5, 2003

Q:
I'm a man, a lawyer, and not at all a sports fan. I feel the female lawyer's misery in your column from last week in which a female lawyer complained about hearing endless sports talk from her colleagues], but ten times as strongly because I'm a man who can't talk sports.

I have no choice but either to relegate myself as one of the few oddball attorneys that every firm has, or to swallow my loathing and learn to talk sports. I need help though. I've been trying to find books that'll catch me up on baseball, football, etc., so that I can have an intelligent discussion, but haven't found anything good yet. I know how the games work, but what I lack is the "current events" or "recent sports history" for the last 10 years or so.

Man, if someone wrote this book they'd make a fortune from women and nerdy guys like me. Any suggestion?

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A:

This question demonstrates a truism about many gender issues: that while they usually affect women, when they affect men, the result is often "ten times worse," as this writer points out. (The prime example: that women are given at least some room to take time off or go part time due to parenting concerns, but that men are given far less leeway.)

To the man, I'd suggest slightly different strategies in dealing with this dilemma than I recommended last week to the woman. First, you should set your expectations realistically and assume that men are going to talk about sports pretty often. However, I don't agree that your only choices are to relegate yourself to oddball status or join in through gritted teeth. I think instead you need to get comfortable and stop feeling like you don't measure up or are somehow at fault because of your sports-a-phobia. Rather than emphasizing your lack of interest in sports, think about yourself as a person who has other stellar qualities. Amazingly, it is possible to be a perfectly good guy and not like sports.

I talked with another man who said, "Early in my career, my lack of interest in sports used to make me question my manhood. Just because I couldn't spout out statistics on every game and every player like some guys -- I was embarrassed and definitely felt pressure. Then I finally realized that many of these couch potatoes were not only lousy and/or has-been athletes but didn't even have the ability to run around the block without having a heart attack. So I now switch the topic to the sports that I do myself ... mountain biking, hiking, running, skiing, dirt biking etc. This tactic has always evened out the playing field for me, so to speak."

Even if you're not a jock at home, just say neutrally and without embarrassment that sports isn't your thing and turn the questions to family, movies, current events, whatever you actually are interested in. You'd be surprised how many guys out there aren't interested and are also going along for the ride, or are perfectly willing to talk about something else. The key is to stop feeling guilty or downgraded about this. If you do, you'll communicate this to others, who will feel more inclined to view you with suspicion or disdain. If you're comfortable with it, they will be more likely to be that way, too. The key to unraveling a lot of the expectations society has based on gender is to look those expectations in the eye and defy them.

P.S. A woman wrote in, also in reaction to the recent column about sports talk: "Your most recent column regarding male-dominated sports talk addresses an all-too-common situation in many women's lives. Please comment on how to handle the men who continue to revert to the sports talk, despite the efforts made by a woman as suggested in your column. For instance, I cannot even count how many times I have been frustrated by my colleagues who return to the sports conversation after I have very obviously and deliberately steered the conversation out of sports and into something with a more diverse appeal, such as local restaurants or movies. I have even made joking comments such as, "Let me guess, we're talking about football again. Why am I not surprised? Is that all you talk about with your wives, too?" I'm trying to remind them that their audience includes a woman. Despite my attempt, the conversation will, at best, turn to local business issues such as who may be buying the Buffalo Sabres, which will immediately morph into the play made by whomever... and so on. I appreciate your column, but would love it if you can delve deeper into the issue. Thank you."

Since you've tried the polite approaches, I'd suggest the following, more direct, line of action. First, I think you need to set realistic expectations, as I suggested above to the male writer. Some sports talk certainly is acceptable, and it's fair enough that if a majority of people are interested in a particular topic, they can indulge in it a certain amount. What's inconsiderate after a while is harping on one topic that obviously excludes one or two people. You can think of similar situations, such as constant Bush-bashing by a majority of Democrats in a room, or Clinton-bashing by Republicans. It's rude to prolong such discussions, or engage in them repeatedly, when you know that you always leave someone out or make them uncomfortable. So it's fair enough to expect that your colleagues should drop the sports chatter at least part of the time.

But how should you do it, when it sounds like you've tried all the usual, non-confrontational routes like humor, introducing topics of broader interest, etc. I'd start by isolating for yourself exactly what it is that bothers you about this dynamic, so that you can articulate it. For instance, is it just that you are bored? Or is it more serious: does it make you feel lonely, isolated, or excluded? Do you feel that it's a not-entirely-unconscious effort for the guys to make their dominance evident even during small talk? Figure out what bothers you and how it makes you feel.

Thereafter I would speak individually with people in the group who are approachable and tell them the effect on you. You can say, "I feel shut out when you guys constantly talk about sports, when you know it doesn't interest me, and when you know that I'd prefer at least at times to talk about things that are of broader interest. It may sound like a little thing, but little things over time can mount up. It's frustrating to always feel that I'm the odd person out. Help me out on this. I'm not saying don't talk about sports ever. I'm saying be aware that when you do it all the time, even when I've nicely asked you to talk about something else, it comes across as being a little disrespectful."

The point of doing this is to explain the effect on you, so that it becomes a problem that your colleague may feel motivated to solve. You're not attacking him directly, which will only make him defensive, and you must ensure that you get across that you don't object to all sports talk, just that you prefer it be done in moderation in deference to your presence. Indirect isn't working so some form of direct is required.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work