New York Lawyer
May 29, 2003

Q:
I am a woman who has been very successful in the legal profession. As a result, I am often the only woman in the room, like at a settlement conference or at a partners' meeting.

I get frustrated by how often I'm shut out by sports talk. I've tried to get interested but it's just not my thing. I don't think anyone does this maliciously, and of course I know that this is a topic of genuine interest to many women, not just men.

Any suggestions on dealing with this?

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A:

I've talked with many women who've complained about this. There is a natural tendency for groups composed mostly of one sex to talk about topics that form a common bond. Actually, there are a fair number of guys out there who are similarly turned off by all the sports chatter. And you can be sure that a mostly female setting features topics that exclude men.

However, the fact remains that professional workplaces remain dominated by men. And studies have shown that sometimes men consciously or unconsciously use this sort of conversation to reinforce masculine bonds and subtly draw a line between insiders and outsiders. At least as likely, though, is that they talk about what they like, which happens to be sports. As Dr. Ellen Ostrow, a psychologist/coach based in Maryland who counsels lawyers, remarks: "Men tend to talk about sports - that's unlikely to change. Although the result may sometimes be the exclusion of a woman from the conversation, I don't think that's the primary motivation." Sports is a safe topic for most of those present, helpful to defuse a loaded atmosphere and find common ground between adversaries.

I think there are responsibilities on both sides of this issue. For the men, basic politeness counsels that it's inconsiderate to constantly talk about a topic that leaves out a member of a group. So men should be aware that a lone woman or two might not be thrilled with endlessless Devils and Nets talk, and introduce topics of greater common interest.

Women, too, have responsibilities. While it's legitimate to feel that men are being thoughtless when they engage in relentless sports talk, women can do something about it rather than stewing resentfully. The response would depend on the setting. If it's a group that it's important you be part of, for career reasons, and there's no cracking the sports monopoly, join in a little bit by introducing sports topics of actual interest. As Kathleen Wu, a partner with Andrews & Kurth in Dallas and a workplace columnist for Texas Lawyer, says, "These days, Annika Sorenstam is a subject that even the most golf-a-phobic female can find interesting." Bringing up a sports topic signals that you are genuinely trying to connect.

Otherwise, suggest broad topics of general interest such as movies, kids, families, etc. Wu advises, "If sports talk seems to be the default topic among your colleagues, arm yourself with an equally compelling -- and equally non-controversial -- topic and switch to that. Movies like `The Matrix' attract men and women alike and open up a wealth of discussion topics, everything from the realities of our existence to who looks hotter in leather, Jada Pinkett Smith or Monica Bellucci. Current events are equally gender-neutral, although you should steer away from those that might polarize the room, namely politics." You could enlist trusted colleagues to help cut the sports talk as well; they may not be aware how often it dominates.

You can get the point across in even more specific ways, counsels Ostrow: "Another alternative is to make use of a situation where one of the men who is typically involved in sports talk happens to join a group of women lawyers. Some advance planning can have the women discussing some interest they share, but doing this in a sufficiently exaggerated manner so that he gets the point."

This is an example of a relatively little thing that over time can build up into a source of resentment. Both men and women can take steps to find some common ground rather than just sticking to familiar habits.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work