New York Lawyer
October 5, 2006

Q:
I have a real personality clash with a colleague. I mean, we just don't have much to talk about; we have different senses of humor; we misunderstand each regularly. It wouldn't matter except -- we have to work together frequently. It definitely decreases my enjoyment of my job as I dread having to interact with him.

Do you have any tips for managing a personality conflict? I don't want to leave my firm, and this person is a competent professional.

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A:

Probably most of us experience this problem at some point. Some thoughts:

Set your expectations realistically. You are not going to be best friends with this guy, ever. Your goal should be a simple one: to have an effective working relationship. So don't put pressure on yourself because you don't have a rollicking good time with him.

Be critical of yourself. You say this is just a personality clash -- nothing you can do about it -- but make sure to examine your own actions to determine whether you have contributed unnecessarily to any difficulties. For instance, if you know he's not a morning person, and you are, and you persist in popping into his office bright and early acting very perky, you are unnecessarily pushing buttons that you can avoid.

Respond to his style. Building on the last point, you can actually make it easier on yourself by responding to this person's style and conducting yourself accordingly. For example, if he or she is very control oriented and you are more freewheeling, let the person take the lead in order to provide comfort. You shouldn't do this to the point where you are denigrating yourself in any fashion or radically altering your personality, but this is a way to provide some breathing room for the person and perhaps build some trust.

Help him out. If you have an opportunity, save the day for him when he's in a jam. This too can help build trust, and can help him think about you as a person he might not be best friends with, but whom he respects and can count on.

Put it into perspective. There's always something wrong with a job -- believe me. Very often there is a person whom we don't see eye to eye with, and it is our obligation as professionals, if the other person is a valued member of the organization, to figure out how to get along together for the good of the firm. Kind of a drag but there it is.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work