New York Lawyer
September 21, 2006

Q:
I am a male associate, I have been practicing for a couple of years, and the consistent feedback I get is that I am not confident enough and don't project enough assertiveness and aggressiveness, either to clients or to my colleagues. I think this is reverse sexism; there are some fairly retiring females around here, and I'm not sure they get the same criticism. In any event, my style is to be low key, to be honest in my evaluation of issues, and not to do a lot of blustering, which to my mind often covers up a lack of knowledge or is meant to project confidence that is misplaced.

However, I do keep hearing about this. How can I handle this?

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A:

This is a "perception is reality" problem. Although you are correct that people can have different styles that are valid, you have to be sure to manage your style in such a way that people you work with have confidence in you.

And you're also right that men suffer from this problem at least as much as women. Because of persisting stereotypical views about the way men and women "should" act, often people are more willing to overlook these same traits in a female when they condemn them in a guy. (For women, the problem can be that people assume they aren't aggressive enough. Unless, of course, a woman comes too strong, and then she is often condemned. Go figure.) There is a possibility that the ethos at your firm is very hard charging, in which case perhaps it's not the place for you long term. If that is not the case, however, it's worth it to pay some attention to this issue so that it doesn't unnecessarily trip you up.

Here are some tips:

Examine your attitudes. Sometimes people get offended when they hear criticism like this because they feel they are being asked to be something they aren't -- in other words, a hypocrite. Another way to look at it is, you are there to do a professional job, and a dimension of that job is to project a certain degree of confidence. That doesn't mean bluster; however, if you are too hesitant, or qualify your comments too much, it can detract from your success. In other words, you can alter your manner subtly without being a hypocrite.

Get some input. Talk to someone who you feel you can trust, who has either given you this feedback or who you can talk to about this. You need to find out exactly what it is that people are concerned about: is it the kind of opinions you give? Your manner? The way you speak? Try to narrow down the concerns so you can be more aware of what behaviors are the (perceived) problem.

Ask questions. In the same vein, if you receive this feedback again, ask neutral questions to find out more. "Can you tell me what you mean?" "Can you give me an example?" "Can you tell me the effect this behavior had on you or the client?" You have to make sure to sound merely interested and like you are gathering information, and not defensive. Your quest is to find out, as specifically as possible, what the issues are.

Watch others. Select someone whose style you like and can realistically emulate. See what that person does in situations where his or her opinion is sought, and see what mannerisms, locutions and other approaches you can adopt.

Make subtle shifts. Sometimes when people get this feedback, they overreact and then come on too strong, putting people off both because of the contrast from their previous behavior, and also because a blast furnace approach isn't necessarily what is called for. The necessary changes are more a matter of small changes: saying forthrightly, for example, "Here's what I think we should do," as opposed to "I wonder what we should do?" Or rather than "I don't know," you can say, "That's a good issue. I want to look at it more closely to make sure I have a complete understanding of it, and discuss it with you later." The point is, don't look for dramatic changes to polish your presentation; work with your natural personality traits.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work