New York Lawyer
March 30, 2006

Q:
I am a female senior associate who works closely with a male partner. We are both married. We get along very well, have a great working relationship, and respect each other's work enormously.

Recently someone mentioned to me that it's just assumed we're having an affair and that that's how I am advancing, through an unfair advantage because of my supposedly intimate relationship with a powerful person.

This is totally untrue, but I am very concerned about the perception that it's true.

This has upset me enormously - I kill myself working, and all anyone can do is assume that I haven't gotten what I deserve in an honest way, but in a fundamentally dishonest way.

What can I do about this?

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A:

It's amazing how often these rather outmoded perceptions continue to occur, despite the many years that women and men have been working together in professional settings. However, you're right to be concerned.

Whenever a male and female in a work environment have a close relationship, minds will start wandering and gossips will get to work. A contributing dynamic is that it is sometimes assumed that women are more likely to advance as a result of luck rather than ability (whereas men are more likely to benefit from an assumption that they progress on merit alone).

Strictly speaking, of course, it's nobody business. You could just ignore it, continue to do good work, and leave the gossips to their negative ways. However, political reality can often be a concern. If there are simple ways to counteract this misimpression, you might as well act accordingly, because (whether legal/appropriate or not) the fact is that this assumption about your relationship with the partner can hurt you. (And, if the situation progressed to possible legal action, it can be very difficult to prove that anything improper or illegal occurred.)

Perhaps you need to branch out a little. It could be that you are working too exclusively with this partner, and that you spend too little time cultivating other people. If other people don't know you, it's easier for rumors to flourish. I'd recommend making sure that you talk with others around the firm, go out for drinks with other attorneys and make yourself part of the scene, so that you are identified a little less with this partner. Also, you can make sure that people understand that you have your own private life. Bring your husband around for drinks so people can get to know him as well.

If this situation seems to impede your progress, or if you suspect that people think the only reason you're advancing is due to an unfair advantage due to your connection with this partner, you may need to confront it directly. You could tell the partner about the rumors and ask him to do something about it. You could also mention it to some other partner that you trust, telling him or her that you've been informed of this rumor and that you are concerned. (If nothing else, this will be notice to them of possible sex discrimination issues for the firm.) Maybe these efforts will convince the rumor-mongers that they're on the wrong track.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work