New York Lawyer
March 9, 2006

Q:
I am at my wit's end. I am a strong, relatively well-adjusted, generally happy lawyer - I'm not depressed, and don't suffer from any physical condition that makes me susceptible to tears or anything - but I just can't stop crying, sometimes!

This tends to happen at the worst possible time - when I need to stand firm and be seen as strong and competent - and seems to be a result of anger, usually, as opposed to genuine sadness. I've noticed it's more frequent when the interaction involves someone being critical of me - most recently, my review.

So, it's affecting my career, and it has to stop. I've tried things like focusing on something nonthreatening, deep breathing, asking for a minute, etc., but these things don't seem to work when I feel myself welling up. Any suggestions?

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A:

First, I think you shouldn't automatically assume you don't have issues with depression or something of that sort. They may be short term, brought on by your job, etc., but don't count out ways of thinking about this problem.

While tears in the workplace aren't as verboten as they used to be, they still can't be a frequent event. I think people understand if someone cries in the workplace under extreme stress, and in isolated instances, but frequent occurrences for minor reasons raise a red flag and are a matter of concern.

I think the root cause here is your anger over what is happening at your workplace. You can't control your emotions because you are so incensed about how you are being treated, or whatever the issue is. You should focus specifically on what it is that it is causing such an overbrimming anger and deal with it. This can run the gamut of approaches.

First, figure out what the issues are (your direct supervisor(s), the practice area you are in, hours, other work conditions, or perhaps personal concerns). Next, focus on that problem and see whether there are ways to allay it, such as changing practice areas, talking with your supervisor, etc.

It could be that you are deeply unsatisfied in your present firm and will have to move on. Perhaps it has been catalyzed by what sounds like an unsatisfactory review, which often can be a time when people take stock about where they stand in their workplace.

In the shorter term, if you feel tears starting to come on, excuse yourself and say, "I need to think about what you said, and would like to get back to you," or some other phrase that you settle on in advance. Since this is a recurring problem you can - and should -- prepare for it to some degree.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work