New York Lawyer
February 9, 2006

Q:
Sometimes I find it hard to disagree with a partner with whom I'm having a conversation about a document or issue. The partner will be saying something that I really think is wrong, or about which I think there is a different, and at least as credible, view, but I find it hard to speak up because the partner is, well, the partner.

And sometimes when I've tried to do so I feel like I haven't gotten a great reaction. Any thoughts?

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A:

Disagreeing agreeably is a fine art that one should start learning to practice as early as possible. You will find yourself in many, many situations where you need to state a different viewpoint but not alienate your listener. (The courtroom, where you are required and encouraged to be adversarial and sharply state a difference with an opponent, is an exception.) For example, clients often have strong views and don't like hearing anybody disagree with them. So it's well worth it to hone this skill.

Here are a few pointers:

Project a "we're on the same team" mentality. People don't like critics who seem to be actively crusading against them. Having the responsibility for a case is a heavy burden and very stressful; the last thing anybody needs is for a subordinate to seem to have disrespect for the partner, the matter, and to be on an ego trip. Therefore, it must be very clear that you are standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the partner and others, trying to reach the same goal.

Pick your battles. Don't speak up about every point on which you disagree; you'll get tuned out as a serial carper. Make sure it's a point that really makes a difference to the case, not one where reasonable people can disagree, or where the ultimate outcome won't be affected. Tie goes to the partner, for sure.

Use careful phrases. The key to agreeable disagreement is voicing your concerns in a diplomatic yet effective way. For example, saying "I disagree" is rarely the way to go; it makes the listener automatically defensive, and they may not listen as carefully to your point as they would otherwise. If, instead you say, "Another thought I had was �" or "That's great. Another view could be �" you can segway into a conflicting point in a graceful and non-confrontational manner. Make sure you actively convey that you have listened to the other person, rather than immediately jumping to points of difference, otherwise people will think you only care about your view and not others.

Know your audience. You will find over time that there are partners with whom you can disagree openly and who don't take offense; others will get ticked if you say the sky is blue when they insist it's purple. Be guided accordingly.

Treat others the way you like to be treated. What I always tell people is, catalog how you like to be treated, and treat others in the same fashion as you move into a supervisory status. For example, if you like it when partners actively seek your input, treat you respectfully, welcome a different viewpoint as information that will help the client achieve a better result, then file that behavior away and give someone else the benefit of such a helpful attitude when you're the boss.

Follow these ideas, and hopefully your points of disagreement will further your career, not set you back.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work