New York Lawyer
January 19, 2005

Q:
I am a third-year female associate and wonder about a dynamic that's going on right now with a male partner. He really seems to be interested in me, although it's not something too overt. He always seems to find excuses to chat, and a bunch of us have worked late and gone out to dinner and he talked with me at that time. And there's lots of kidding around.

I have to say I really like him and am attracted to him but realize that, rationally, a partner I work with is not a great person to become interested in. Of course he's married, although he doesn't seem to spend a lot of time at home.

Any thoughts?

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A:

You've already answered this question with your "rational" realization that this isn't a great scenario. Having said this, I never cease to be amazed at the extent to which lawyers, especially in law firms, don't seem to observe the workplace rules that they advise their clients about with such zeal. So this state of affairs is not that unusual, but definitely one that has little upside for you.

The partner should not be engaging in this type of behavior because it's unprofessional and has to be against whatever workplace policy you have, or at least showing a possibility of going against such a policy. He's supposed to be the one who sets the right example, and shouldn't make life uncomfortable or at least ambiguous for you.

And you, in turn, need to be aware that this continues to be your job and not your social life. Anyone with half a brain whom you might consult will warn you that any involvement could backfire badly. What I would suggest is that you decide for yourself that he is off limits to you. You will also need to steer clear of him if it appears that he is coming on to you. (If it got really severe you can go through appropriate channels within your workplace, but let's hope it doesn't come to that.) You can let him know subtly that you are not interested, and move on from there. There's no question that it's the best thing, personally and professionally.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work