New York Lawyer
December 1, 2005

Q:
I'm a young, attractive, slim female junior biglaw associate. I can tend to be a flirt. I have always gotten along better with men than with women, and even professionally, my mentors and friends at the firm are male. I was told during a review that sometimes I don't across as serious enough and this concerns me.

Are there specific ways I can appear more serious? (Other than wearing boxy clothing, gaining weight, making less eye contact or not smiling at the firm, etc.)

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A:

You seem to have decided that this is an "either/or" question -- either you are flirty, beaming and wearing tight clothing showing off a buff bod or you are fat, dour and garbed in gunny sacks. Obviously this isn�t the case.

Your question goes to your personal style and the extent to which, in your firm, you have instilled confidence in people as to your professional abilities. I emphasize that it�s a problem in your firm because there are other places where your manner of relating to others would not result in this problem. However, you have to take things as they come, and you appear to have an issue. (Taken to an extreme, if a very stereotypically feminine woman is "marked down" due to these characteristics it may be discrimination, but let�s assume for the purposes of this question that you don�t want to get into litigious mode and want to solve this problem.)

I have no problem with a "flirtatious" style and personality. Many people have said to me that women aren�t "taken seriously" if they are perceived as too flirty or girlish/feminine and that therefore they should modulate their styles. I firmly believe that the workplace has plenty of room for a wide variety of styles, including a flirtatious one; I also believe that you need to be realistic about how you�re perceived, and build bridges with those who are likely to marginalize you on the basis of fleeting, anecdotal evidence.

In short, you need to give people confidence about your professional abilities. This does not mean turning yourself into a severe, unattractive wonk. It does mean emphasizing your work abilities and honing your legal skills so that your personality doesn�t become the only issue. Learn to publicize your professional successes and abilities so that colleagues understand your worth.

Also, remember that in a workplace (in contrast to a social setting), you must build relationships all around, not just with one group, e.g., men. If you restrict yourself too much to an identifiable group of people (and this could include relating exclusively to associates, or only one department, etc.), you risk not allowing others to get to know you, which in turns results in superficial and damaging assessments such as the what you�re experiencing now. People need something to base their opinions about you on something other than seeing you laughing in the hallway with the guys, and right now I�ll bet that you haven�t supplied that information. Broaden your circle of acquaintances, put your professional skills center stage, and your basic personality can flourish without penalty.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work