New York Lawyer
March 31, 2005

Q:
In my firm there are a couple of people who really like to gossip. They dish the dirt on anyone and anything, especially about who�s supposedly having an affair with whom, who�s cheating on his wife, etc. I�m not entirely above it all -- I like to hear about people -- but often I feel that it�s not appropriate to participate in gossip or implicitly endorse it. I can�t help feeling a certain fascination about hearing what�s going on, though.

Can you give me advice about how to handle this situation? I don�t want to be rude or seem like a goody two-shoes, but often listening to gossip can make me uncomfortable.

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A:

You�re right to be cautious. Participating in office gossip can be dangerous. That said, dealing with this issue isn�t necessarily clear-cut.

What is gossip? It�s information that has been gained by stealth, or that was passed on in confidence, something that is clearly private and potentially humiliating for the subject if it�s revealed, a rumor or report of an intimate nature. And let�s face it -- many of us enjoy the guilty pleasure of reveling in secret information, savoring the schadenfreude of someone else�s distress or personal tragedy. And our gossip-fueled society only encourages this voyeuristic fascination.

Remember that sharing secret information with others is a way of amassing power of an informal nature; hoarding information, and doling it out selectively, is a way of building a power base, however illegitimate. For some people, there�s no better way to feel good about themselves than to hash over the misfortunes of others.

While gossiping with social friends can be risky, doing so in the office represents even greater risks. The problem is that passing on or participating in gossip can result in damaged relationships. If it�s revealed that you spread a rumor, you will destroy the trust that you may presently enjoy. In a social context you can lose a friend; in a professional one, you can lose respect, seniority or even your job, in a serious enough situation.

So what�s the approach? First you have to decide for yourself what your personal "policy" is with respect to gossip. If you love it and are willing to take the risks associated with actively participating, so be it -- just recognize that it�s a high wire act. If you�re mildly interested but realize it can be dicey, you should be more circumspect. And if you totally reject any interest in gossip, you will take a no-tolerance stand.

A no-tolerance approach is appropriate for people who habitually spreads malicious lies or sensational information, as they are a real threat to the workplace. You should notify a responsible person in the workplace about them, as they can do real damage, to others and perhaps eventually to you.

For the most part, however, I advocate the middle position. You don�t want to become a person whom people avoid talking to altogether because you�re too above it all to listen to anything resembling a rumor. You need to make sure that lines of communication are open and you must keep relationships alive. There are times when you need to be aware of rumors -- of people leaving the firm, for example, or other staffing changes -- so that you can protect yourself and not be blindsided in the event a rumor that affects you actually turns out to be true. Gossip actually can serve a useful role in passing on the beneath-the-surface information of office dynamics that can greatly affect day-to-day functioning. So don�t adopt a severe, "I never gossip" attitude; if you exempt yourself from the informal chat machine, that can backfire in its own way.

Instead, you can listen within reason to mild gossip, without encouraging people too much. Just respond "hmmm" or "is that so?" when told information, without seeming hugely engaged; they may get the message that you are not wanting to be complicit or actively participate. An even less direct approach is to suddenly think of lots of things you have to get done right away when an habitual gossip plants himself or herself in your office. Whatever you do, don�t pass gossip on.

If, however, you are handed a juicy item that clearly crosses the line in terms of propriety, or you know it�s untrue, you really have a duty to speak up. Just say mildly, (about a sensational tidbit) "Oh, let�s not go there," or (when hearing a lie) "I know for a fact that�s not true." And keep in mind the golden rule at times like these. What if someone were repeating malicious gossip about you? You would hope that other co-workers would refuse to listen, would tell the person to buzz off, would do something pro-active. That in and of itself tells you a lot about this issue.

Remember, if chatty colleagues get into political trouble, you may be identified with them if you hang out with them a lot and appear to know more than you should. So you must be careful who you align yourself with. Your self-respect, and the respect others feel for you, is strengthened if you are perceived as someone who doesn�t actively manage the rumor mill.

Sincerely,
Holly English