New York Lawyer
February 17, 2005

Q:
I am a female lawyer and have had the following happen a couple of times. I�m in a conference with unfamiliar attorneys -- or on a conference call -- and a guy uses foul language, then someone says, "Hey, there�s a lady present" or something like that, followed by apologies. I�ve heard the guys swear with abandon when they�re all together. I�m not really crazy about foul language, but on the other hand I don�t want to be perceived as an "outsider" who needs to be protected. What do you think?

Submit Your Question

Find More Answers

A:

There�s probably a generation gap here -- older lawyers may be more courtly in this regard around women, whereas younger lawyers probably don�t differentiate much.

Treating women differently from men can, as you suggest, emphasize an insider/outsider status. Interestingly, even people who get abused at work can seem more like insiders, because they are assumed to be able to take it. I talked with a woman for my book, Gender on Trial, who said she worked for a famously tyrannical boss. He used to let loose on the guys all the time, swearing his head off, but when she goofed up, he kept his cool while he explained the problem, apparently because she was a woman. Even though she was happy to be spared a hissy fit, she realized that in some twisted way she was not part of the gang.

What to do? If you don�t mind foul language, and it�s part of the culture, join in and make clear it doesn�t bother you. If you do, but don�t want to be differentiated, just say mildly, "I�m all grown up and can take care of myself, thanks."

Sincerely,
Holly English