New York Lawyer
September 16, 2004

Q:
I am a fairly new partner and have a question about dealing with my long-time mentor. My mentor has been great -- he took me under his wing early on, gave me great cases, excellent guidance, helped me negotiate the politics of the firm, did everything one could ask (and, of course, helped me to become a partner). For all of which I�m very grateful.

However, at this point I�m feeling that I need to establish a more separate identity, and feel that I am too closely identified with him. Also, I�ve gotten to the point where I don�t agree with him on an increasing number of issues, although I continue to like and respect him very much.

How do I "break up" with my mentor without causing too much harm?

Submit Your Question

Find More Answers

A:

First, count yourself as lucky that you have a mentor who has actually helped you out. Mentors are worth their weight in gold and you are fortunate that someone worked so closely with you. So you are right to feel grateful.

However, prot�g�s sometimes find themselves in the position where they need to separate, in a way, from their mentors. They can find, as you have, that they are too closely identified with their mentors and can�t establish their own identity. Sometimes they will find that colleagues don�t take them as seriously as they might. They can chafe, as you do, with disagreements when they feel they are beyond the point of simply going along with whatever their mentor might think. In short, people sometimes believe that in order to grow and develop they must strike out on their own. The issue is helping the relationship transition into a new phase where the two of you operate more as equals than with you as supplicant.

There are two clear-cut responses -- to talk with your mentor directly about the topic, or to leave your firm -- and there are responses in between. The ideal is to have an open conversation on this topic. It could be that your mentor would understand your concerns -- indeed, simply saying to him that you feel overshadowed, that for the sake of your future career you must develop a more clearly defined identity, etc., is truthful and understandable. Whether you can do this depends on whether you have an open and candid relationship or not. If your relationship has been very pupil-master oriented, it may be harder to do so.

Sometimes people find it hard to have such a direct conversation, or fear the mentor won�t understand or will be offended, and even seriously alienated. It may be necessary to actually leave the workplace and strike out on your own, if you feel that�s the only way that you can be a complete practitioner in your own right.

But there are also options in between. Start expanding your networking around the firm so that your mentor is not your sole champion and you are a more integral part of the firm. Obviously, try to bring in more business. Nothing defines you more starkly than as a business generator and that can start to separate you from the mentor in other people�s minds. Another point is to spend less time with him, and be less available; if he likes to chat a lot tell him you have other obligations. After a while you can "drift away" without him noticing all that much.

And stop bottling up any disagreements and figure out a way to deal with them; that in and of itself will signal a new independence. If he�s pushing a strategy you disagree with, or saying something at a partners� meeting that you think is incorrect, gently but distinctly part ways with him. Don�t be too direct, e.g., "I disagree," just say, "That�s interesting, I have another view" and state your thought. In that way, other colleagues can start to realize that you are not in lockstep with your mentor, and if you do it skillfully enough you won�t hurt his feelings.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work