New York Lawyer
July 8, 2004

Q:
I am a female associate at a large law firm. I was academically successful in undergraduate and law school, and got hired by a prestigious firm, but sometimes now I feel like a failure. I know that I am a good attorney, but minor incidents still make me feel like I'm not doing a good job -- like when one of my peers gets picked for a choice assignment instead of me, or I get unduly harsh feedback on my work from a partner. I tend to go over and over the incidents and agonize over them, rather than just moving on.

I've talked about this with some of my women co-workers and they feel the same way, but my boyfriend -- also an associate at a large firm -- seems to be totally unaffected by similar incidents. What should I do?

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A:

You�re right that women appear to have more of a tendency to take negative incidents or criticism to heart and to be more visibly affected by them. Naturally there are men who have this tendency as well. Dealing with it requires isolating the problem and then figuring out coping mechanisms so that you are not unduly bothered by it.

First, taking criticism seriously is not a defect at all, if you�re smart about it. Oftentimes people who evaluate feedback closely are very demanding of themselves and insist on high standards. This is a good thing, and not necessarily just a primal lack of confidence. The only way to learn and develop is to figure out how you can improve, and one way to do that is to listen to what others say about you. (The opposite dynamic, identified more in men than women, is to dismiss most criticism as unfounded. Although this boosts the old ego, it doesn�t improve performance.)

Second, realize that everyone has setbacks. They just deal with them differently, so don�t assume that you�re the only one having problems.

Third, you need coping mechanisms to get you through hard times. Here are a few ideas:

Try to keep the big picture in mind. While any incident that you experience of course will seem paramount, remember that there are hundreds or even thousands of competing events going on in any given day in your workplace. Keep the importance of your career dynamics in perspective, which can ease the tension a little.

Clarify exactly what is bothering you. Generalized anxiety will only make things seem worse. So -- if you got a bad review, or a bad result in a matter, separate out the aspects over which you have no control (such as the personality quirks of a person delivering feedback), and focus on the aspects that can help you become a better lawyer.

Remember that the problem often is with poor management. Often a lack of feedback, or feedback harshly done, is a reflection of poor management and says more about the person than it does about you. Remember, you�re working for lawyers! They�re not big on new-fangled management techniques.

Make your own standards. You may need to determine your own standards, if others don�t actively supply them for you. Eric Goldman, an assistant professor at Marquette University Law School, recalls his days at a law firm and reacting to problems: "I redefined my metrics of success. Rather than measuring success based on how I was perceived within the firm, my goals were based on my own internal definitions for my performance. I vowed to become a superior attorney and to become an expert in my field, and I invested significantly in those objectives. It didn't matter if I was recognized for these efforts within the firm, because I was undertaking those extra efforts for me, not for the firm or anyone else."

Become proactive if you feel you are too reactive. If things aren�t going your way you may need to be more vocal about what you want. Eric Goldman recalls: "I became more aggressive about articulating what I needed from the firm and supervising attorneys. If I wanted some support or feedback or access to a new opportunity, I spoke up. I wasn't blatant, but I didn't wait for people around me to read my mind, either."

Remember that perception is usually reality, and act accordingly. Even if internally you feel rattled, do your best to maintain an unruffled exterior, especially around people who are more senior to you. If you project an image of lacking confidence or hand-wringing anxiety, people will quickly lose faith in your abilities, fairly or not. So confine your soul searching to people outside the firm whom you trust, and maintain an outwardly cool demeanor at work.

Imitate how others cope. Following on from the last comment, spot a person at work who seems to project a confident attitude, and pick up some specific pointers on behavior from him or her. This can include ways of publicly dealing with criticism, downplaying setbacks, and so forth.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work