New York Lawyer
June 24, 2004

Editor's Note: Holly English is on vacation this week. This column was originally published on June 20, 2002.

Q:
I am a partner and work with another partner who is very competitive. It gets on my nerves.

I can�t say anything without him one-upping me. If I have won a summary judgment motion, he�s settled the biggest case of his career; if I�ve hired a great associate, he�s got a better staff than mine. And on and on. The guy never gives up. He can never, ever just say "gee, that�s great" and be happy for someone else.

I try to rationalize it by saying he�s insecure, he�s a pain, etc., but at times he really does get under my skin.

Any tips on being a little more philosophical or insightful about this person?

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A:

The first step is to define for yourself what is really bothering you about him. Do you keep hoping that he will somehow transform into a more empathetic person, and are frustrated when he doesn�t? Do you like him apart from this trait, and does this get in the way of you having a solid friendship/relationship with him?

Or, maybe the competitive part is what gets under your skin. Does he in fact appear more successful than you, and does that bother you and make you feel insecure? Maybe it�s even simpler. Maybe you just can�t stand him but inevitably bump into him and have to work with him on a day-to-day basis.

Figure out exactly what�s annoying you first, because that will help determine what to do.

Another point is to observe how he interacts with others. Sometimes boastful types do their competitive thing with everyone; other times they reserve it only for the people they feel the most threatened by. Either way, you can feel assured -- he�s either an incurable blowhard with everyone, or wants to impress you in particular because you look like a formidable opponent.

If you are hoping he will magically become interested in you and everyone else, that�s probably the easiest one to deal with. You doom yourself to aggravation if every time you talk with him you think, "Maybe this time he�ll act like a normal human being." Instead, set your expectations realistically. Just assume, going into each encounter, that he will one-ups you. Say to yourself, "You know, if I tell him my good news, he�ll figure out something to top me." (Amuse yourself by trying to predict what he�ll say.)

If he actually seems interested in you at some point, you�ll be pleasantly surprised. And if you like him apart from this one fault, perhaps you ought to count up his good points and concentrate a little more on them. Everybody has faults so perhaps it makes sense to give him a little slack on this one.

It�s much more common, though, that braggarts make other people feel insecure and unworthy. Examine the possibility that this guy is achieving in a way that you are not, and try to lift your game. Competition can be healthy in an organization when it spurs people to do their best.

Alternatively, if this person simply is a harder and better worker than anyone else, you may have to live with the reality that he�s great at what he does and brags about it in the bargain, infuriating as that may be.

If he doesn�t make you feel insecure, but you just can�t stand him, you will have to concentrate on maintaining a workable relationship that doesn�t drive you crazy. I�d go back up to the tip about concentrating on his good points. Also, simply avoid putting out the bait for him -- don�t crow to him about successes or things you�re happy about. Self-involved people are often unable to concentrate on people other than themselves, and you will only wind up feeling deflated if you share any good news.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work