New York Lawyer
April 29, 2004

Q:
I am a female associate, and I wonder if I�m alone in vastly preferring to work for male attorneys than female attorneys. It�s also easier to have male opposing counsel.

Many women I�ve worked for or had as opposing counsel have been humorless, driven, easily offended, easily threatened, and seemingly without the ability to relax and take it easy.

Men that I�ve worked for or had a matter with, by contrast, have been relaxed, not gotten upset about every little thing, have been unthreatened, and so forth. It�s just been a lot easier to get along with them.

I�d hate to think that women lawyers just aren�t very good at managing people or playing well with others, but that�s the experience I�ve had. What are your thoughts?

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A:

There are a few possibilities here.

It could be that you (and other women who have voiced this thought to me) have had the misfortune to run into an unusual concentration of cranky women lawyers. Then again, there is some evidence that the older generation of female lawyers was urged to "act like a man" in order to make it, and that they did so with a vengeance at times, actually contrary to their own personalities at times but responding to what seemed like a professional imperative. Certainly I�ve seen behavior from female bosses that does seem over the top, as if they have something to prove, or as if they�re threatened by, for example, a younger, prettier woman who might show them up.

On the other hand, it could also be that you and others have different standards for men and women, and aren�t as willing to give women room to be the boss as you should. It�s oft-heard that when exercising authority women should be neither too passive nor too aggressive. Men, on the other hand, have license to wander all over the behavioral playground, being the nice guy one moment when all is going well, and cracking down when work needs to get out the door or someone needs to get sacked. They even get a pass for bully behavior if they bring in enough business and charm the clients, whereas their female counterpart usually gets vilified. Right away there�s a red flag if men and women have to play by different rules.

Is this different treatment justified? Well ... no. Absolutely not. In order for women to have a chance to establish themselves as bona fide leaders and supervisors, they have to have the room they need to do the tough things along with the "nice" stuff. Every supervisor runs into times when he or she must do something unpleasant -- give someone some negative feedback, fire a non-performer, throw some sharp elbows to counteract a backstabber, and the like. While these episodes aren�t pretty, they are part and parcel of every workplace.

A complicating wrinkle is that women often feel that we females are part of a sisterhood, where egalitarianism reigns and where a woman who puts herself above others is considered imperious and out of line. (In fact, I�ve talked with many, many lawyers who have lauded their female supervisor, but always emphasizing the woman�s nurturing, kind, supportive, teaching personality.) Whatever the benefits of a cozy sisterhood, requiring that women act in a collegial, democratic fashion holds them back from assuming the sometimes prickly duties of leadership.

So ... next time a female supervisor does something you don�t admire, ask yourself honestly whether you�d have the same negative reaction if it came from a guy. Of course there are people who are simply impossible to get along with -- male and female -- but be careful not to lump the effective female supervisor (who sometimes has to get snippy to get the job done) in with the ones who are always having a wretchedly bad day.

P.S. Further reply to the young woman from last week fretting about getting braces: Who knew I was so out of it when it came to cutting-edge (sorry) dentistry practices? As many readers chided me, turns out I should have urged you to get the so-called invisible braces ("Invisalign") because they are clear acrylic and fit over the teeth, disappearing from view. Voila! End of problem. Another person, however, cautioned that you should get a second opinion, since in his opinion that are unscrupulous dentists out there who just want to fit you with expensive braces to line their pockets. So ... ask around, and if it�s still braces you need, go invisible.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work