New York Lawyer
February 19, 2004

Q:
For the past six months I have been inhouse with a major insurance company. The salary is decent and the hours are manageable, but the work is the most unfulfilling I have ever done. I have been out of law school for three years, having graduated in May, 2000, and in that time, I have changed jobs several times.

In my current position I have a good quality of life insofar as I get to leave the office at a reasonable hour, but my caseload is tremendous. I have received no training, even though I have never been an insurance defense litigator. The learning process is one of "trial by fire" and as such, the system is set up such that one will fail and make many mistakes before learning the job. This is fine, I suppose, in theory, but no one takes that into consideration when things do, in fact, go wrong. With the volume, one can do perhaps a C to C+ job on any one case, because the time isn't there to do a better job unless one is prepared to literally move into the office and work 24 hours a day.

I know that I am performing a valuable service to my employer, and it is an honest living. But I feel that at the end of the day, all I have done is help a multibillion-dollar company save a few dollars off of an insurance policy. I must sound horribly ungrateful, given all of the unemployed people out there, but that thought runs through my mind every time I drive out of the parking lot in the evening. I�ve actually gotten more fulfillment when I�ve been assigned counsel for those who can�t afford a lawyer. One young man I represented was so grateful; the degree of appreciation I received from him, the firm handshake and genuine "thank you" meant everything. I floated out of the courthouse that day.

I�m in my thirties, married with one child and another on the way. My question is: Is it too late to start something else? There have been so many times throughout the past several months that I have wondered what else I can do with my law degree so I don't feel like I wasted three years and $150,000.00 of my parents' hard-earned savings.

My dream job is really to be an assistant prosecutor, but I have tried several times to get into one of those offices, without success. I even made an earnest attempt at obtaining a job as an assistant public defender, again to no avail. Now, however, I feel like those jobs are becoming less of a reality for me because they don't pay as much money as I'll need to support my wife and two children. My wife works full time and earns an excellent salary (more than me), but we live in an expensive area, have two cars and all of the other things that can put a strain on any modern household, even with two working professionals. We need both incomes, and both incomes have to be competitive for us to survive. Do you think I am too old to try something else? Should I give another try at obtaining an assistant prosecutor's position?

At this stage of my career, I desperately need that job that I'll look forward to every day. My job right now is indeed a chore - something that brings me nothing but stress, angst and lost sleep. I thought I would enjoy it, but I just don't. I seem to have "drifted" into this area, but for all of the wrong reasons. Good benefits, a steady paycheck and reasonable hours mean nothing if you are miserable. I would rather be happy and poor than miserable and wealthy. The problem is, I think I know what I would like to do, but I cannot get a job in that area. For this reason, I have seriously contemplated leaving the practice of law altogether. But where do I go from here, in my middle thirties? Any advice you could offer would be appreciated a great, great deal. I am so blessed in my personal life. If I could just get that same satisfaction out of my work, I would be the most fortunate person I know.

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A:

First, thank you for an eloquent and nuanced look at your quandary. I�m sure your dilemma will ring a bell with many readers. I never cease to be amazed at how easy it is to wander into a profession, only to wake up one day and realize you heartily dislike what you�re doing, but are trapped by life�s accumulated obligations.

To my mind you are having a classic identity crisis relating to your profession. In short, what and who do you want to be? I think there�s little question that you are strongly mission oriented, meaning you would like to do good in the world, as opposed to just earning your paycheck and going home. Therefore, at the very least, I think you need to transition out of insurance defense as soon as you can. You obviously can gain great litigation experience by continuing in your present position but it sounds like it's killing your soul.

Next, if I were you I would make as sure as possible that the prosecutor job really is your dream job. Talk with former prosecutors -- why did they leave? They can give you a more realistic view of the downside than those people who are in the job presently. Also research being a public defender, again talking to current and former PD�s to find out the �real story.� If you truly settle on either one of these jobs as the thing you most want to do, I would then figure out every possible angle to land a job -- get to know politically connected people in the area (e.g., by volunteering for campaigns, for instance), show up at bar association functions and seek out prosecutors and PDs. As I'm sure you know by now, who you know is a heck of a lot more important than what you know, however unfortunate that may be. Admittedly both prosecutor and defense attorney jobs are hard slogs, though, so go into these ventures with your eyes open.

However, here�s another thought: you may be setting up a false dichotomy between insurance defense on the one hand, and being a prosecutor or public defender on the other. There�s a huge gulf between the two areas. You should think about exploring some practice areas that are not as much of an affront to your sense of �right� as insurance defense, but perhaps not as low paying (and frustrating in many ways) as prosecutors or public defender jobs. For instance, many people enjoy employment law, and here�s why: they can advise companies about how to improve their practices so that they actually offer a better workplace for people. These attorneys often feel they are working within the system for positive change. Seek out some lawyers you like and admire � perhaps former classmates from law school � and ask them what they like and dislike about their jobs. Their answers may surprise you � the people doing public interest law may be very frustrated, those doing corporate law very fulfilled -- so it�s worth it to do some on-the-ground research like that.

Don�t apologize for wanting to support a comfortable lifestyle, and for recognizing that compromises on the type of work you do may reflect that desire. While it�s easy when we�re young to dismiss the importance of lifestyle and supporting one�s family, as time goes on it�s far harder to write off. The fact is that many of us want a nice house, two cars, a solid education for our kids, and so on and so forth. There�s nothing wrong with this, obviously, but if what�s needed to support that lifestyle is a job that you hate, it�s not worth it. It sounds to me as if you and your wife need to take a hard look at your priorities, such as what you gain and lose by maintaining your present positions, and how you might be able to make a shift and yet maintain a good lifestyle.

Another thought is riskier but I'll try it out on you -- if your wife is earning lots more than you, and has the potential to do so in the future, you could consider taking a breather and taking care of your kids for a while. I know this is harder for men to do than for women, but increasingly men are doing so and it's becoming less of a liability than it used to be. You say that you need both incomes, but if your wife was totally concentrating on being the breadwinner and could work more hours, you might not need both incomes for the short term. (Remember you would save on child care costs and myriad other expenses related to the two-working-parents family.) This breather would give you more time and energy to focus on making that dream come true than while you are frantically trying to keep all the balls in the air doing the insurance defense job.

Best of luck in realizing your dreams. You�re definitely not too old to make a shift, and recognizing that now � and doing something about it � will pay off handsomely in all ways in the future.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work