New York Lawyer
January 22, 2004

Q:
What do you think of "kissing up"? It makes me ill.

I work with a guy who is shameless about kissing up. He flatters partners, even dresses like some of the more powerful ones, laughs heartily at their poor jokes, doing anything he can to manipulate them so that he can get ahead. Even more irritating - it seems to work!

I just can't stomach the guy but I am conscious that it seems like a formula for success. What do you think?

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A:

I agree that, in many instances, it works. Here's why: those in positions of power have to deal with a formidable political landscape, featuring lots of people who don't agree with them and openly oppose them. It's comforting to have at least some people "on your side," even if only to advance their own agendas. I promise you that many of the recipients of K.U. behavior are well aware of what's going on but don't mind the cosseting, figuring it's their due to make up for the intense political wrangles they have to endure.

For those who don't realize that the K.U. antics are simply a ruse, they find it flattering that someone is consistently nice to them and (especially) laughs at their jokes. They fancy that the person really likes them and are thrilled to have such a congenial colleague, especially when it's someone younger who appears to look up to them and revere them. So what's not to like, in their minds?

There are, of course, people who dislike such behavior and downgrade its practitioners accordingly. They recognize that while it's helpful to have loyal and agreeable employees, it's suspect when someone feigns interest and attention only to get ahead. What will happen if the powerful person suddenly loses power? Instantly, the relationship will grow chilly and distant, as the formerly ardent admirer moves on to play lapdog to the new power broker. Such relationships are built on a false edifice and often collapse.

What I'd suggest is that there are a wide variety of get-ahead techniques that you can practice, some of which will come naturally and some that won't. Many people make the mistake of thinking they need only keep their head down and work hard, and that they will be recognized. Too often this isn't true; some sort of attempt to build a relationship with influential partners is necessary, most of the time. The quiet hard worker often gets overlooked as someone that people don't know, who is aloof and uncaring, etc.

While some people promote themselves in a stomach-turning way, you can devise a style for building relationships that helps others trust you without compromising your self-respect. Build alliances with people you really like, for obvious starters. For those powerful people you feel you must relate to but don't particularly care for, remember that this is about having a working relationship, not being best friends nor being a sycophant. You can look for common topics, talk about firm business, and generally focus on the reasonable common and neutral topics that will allow you to build a bridge, build trust and bring you to the attention of those in power.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work