New York Lawyer
November 13, 2003

Q:
I am seeing a Manhattan attorney who is just starting his career. He hardly seems to have time for me, even when he gives me dates to come up and visit. The last time I planned on three days in the city and I spent two-and-a-half days alone. Can I get some advice?

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A:

Since the vast majority of the questions for this column come from attorneys, it�s refreshing to regard the profession from the standpoint of an outsider. It invites an anthropological study of the species �Attorneyus Associatus.�

The harsh reality for the breed of new associates: they don�t have much time for outside activities, and they can�t predict when they will. As Maria Scungio, a partner with Pennie & Edmonds, reports, �Young associates are measured on their ability to deliver large volumes of work on short notice, without complaint. Those that assign the work generally do not ask whether an associate is able to work through the weekend. It is assumed and expected that associates will clear their calendars to `come through� and deliver the work as valued team players.�

Hmmm � not a lot of time for clubbing and kibitzing. And people wonder why lawyers have such active sex lives in their firms � where else do they see anyone, and who else would put up with their chaotic schedules? Many people have complained to me, especially women, that enjoying a real social life with anyone outside a law firm is a challenge.

As to your dilemma: First, think carefully before dating an out-of-town new associate. (Any long-distance relationship is tough to maintain, after all.) The challenge is enormous. If you are bound and determined to pursue the relationship, you need to be realistic about the time pressures. Maria Scungio has practical tips: �Generally, a more successful and reasonable plan to participate in weekend activities is to choose something with a discrete time limit, something that has a range of choices for times to do it, and that allows you to converse and bond (hopefully) while you enjoy the activity, e.g., a video rental at home or a meal (not both) that allows you to talk to each other while enjoying the activity; a visit to a specific wing of a museum, but not the blockbuster exhibition (you can talk and enjoy art at the same time); or a walk/run/ride through Central Park.�

She warns that events tied to specific dates and times are a problem: �Movies, ultra-fancy restaurants or Broadway shows are risky, because reservations and tickets are for fixed times. Further, more than a three-hour time block per day is tough to guarantee, if you are working on a brief or on a corporate transaction.� In short, we�re talking very careful time management here to make that budding romance bloom.

So � count on blocks of time, not acres, and don�t be surprised or offended if plans fall through. It really is nothing personal.

Additionally, if this relationship is serious, strike up a broader conversation about the future. I reached beyond the New York borders to ask people out there in the real world what they thought of your question. �Have you ever talked to him about it?� demands Matthew Breetz, a partner with Stites & Harbison in Lousiville, Kentucky. �Is he happy doing what he's doing? Does he have significant student loan debt that requires him to work at a big firm so that he can pay it off and still afford a cup of soup at lunch? Is this what he expected? You need to ask him for a candid evaluation of where he thinks his life will be in one year, five years and 10 years. Then decide for yourself whether it�s something you can deal with.�

And he advises that if the New York barrister doesn�t suit you, �dump him, move to Kentucky, and find yourself a better choice.� While Matt�s not available, apparently many of his colleagues are. It is true that the pressures on mega-firm associates are greater than in other parts of the country, so that�s something to keep in mind if you have a hankering for attorneys.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work