New York Lawyer
September 4, 2003

Q:
I'm a corporate paralegal at a national firm that just happened to have a sexual affair for a few months with a female attorney a few years back. I was married and in the process of relocating and she was engaged. We figured it was just a fling and played it out as such. We'd been working a string of deals for five months (I was her senior paralegal) and things had just started to happen - getting stuck in airports, etc. Now we live in two separate states, we just faded away and stopped keeping in touch - I knew that she'd made partner, got married and leads a practice group.

But I just found out she will be lead counsel on this deal that my partner has asked me to assist him on and I'm the only one in the firm that does this type of work. How should I handle this? I'm sure we'll be nice to each other, there were no hard feelings, but it'll be awkward.

Should I sit down with my partner and just let him know what took place so that I can assist from a distance, or should I just keep it between her and me, take it in stride and let it play out?

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A:

This column has often chastised those who get involved with confreres in the office. (And come on: you �just happened� to sleep together? Nobody�s forcing you to fool around.) These situations are awkward for office mates, who wonder if they are losing out due to favoritism, and who squirm when cheated-upon spouses show up and office mates have to pretend nothing�s wrong. And it�s painful all around when it�s over. You may think you�re in the clear and then � uh oh! He or she turns up again, and you have to work together.

This kind of question takes on a special urgency since office romance is only increasing, not decreasing. I�ve gotten a string of such questions recently. For instance, another questioner says she and an office mate, both married, are having an affair and can�t seem to their hands off each other (�even at the office!�), and she wonders if she should leave the firm, although she�s built up eight years of practice and doesn�t want to start at the bottom. Yet another is from a secretary in love with the (married) managing partner, asking how she can resolve the situation when the partner has warned that if she squeals he�ll break it off. So it makes sense to shift from futile warnings against romance on the job to instead devising common-sense rules for the aftermath of romance.

There are some obvious, and crucial, differences between a breakup involving a relationship with someone outside work circles versus someone inside. In the office a failed romance can potentially (and adversely) affect colleagues, clients or a bottom line. Thus resolution of the workplace breakup should keep those factors in mind, hard as it is to focus on business realities if you�re nursing a broken heart or fending off a spurned lover. You have to keep the good of the organization in mind above all, and you have a special responsibility to do so.

If you followed the eminently sensible (and usually required) rule not to be involved in a reporting relationship, or with someone you work with frequently, you won�t find it as hard to avoid the person. If not, a first suggestion for post-fling etiquette is that you focus-focus-focus on work (this is especially recommended for those who�ve been dumped). Avoid the temptation to badmouth a former lover, as it makes others uncomfortable. View the episode as an opportunity to re-evaluate your workplace. Ask whether it�s the right place for you -- maybe it will give you a needed shove to go elsewhere. Or take a short break/vacation from the office to reflect on what�s happened and to isolate the post-affair time period. In the office, figure out a coping mechanism when your ex-paramour is around. This might be something like counseling yourself to keep the client in mind or practicing a line or two to smooth over interactions. Anything so that you can handle the awkwardness.

In your particular case, resolution will be easier than in other cases, as the relationship occurred a while ago and no one�s heart was broken. Please: don�t tell the partner what happened. I doubt the female in question will appreciate having her past dalliances treated as if they were just another routine factor to consider when staffing a case. If the relationship ended without rancor, it seems to me that you can re-establish a working relationship after all this time that will be healthy and workable. Whether you feel uncomfortable or not I think is the price you pay for office affairs; awkwardness on some level is fairly inevitable. You have an obligation to her and to your workmates to be professional and to keep focused on the work. I would bet that after the initial re-meeting you will establish a friendly relationship and that your steamy past will be relegated to history.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work