New York Lawyer
July 3, 2003

Q:
I used to date a senior associate with whom I worked in the banking department at my firm. We kept our relationship a secret, and 5 months after it started, it ended badly.

All along, he had been engaged to someone else. I had no knowledge of this relationship until I overheard one of his colleagues asking about whether his fiance was back in the city yet. When I confronted him, he admitted that he was getting married, but still wanted to continue our "relationship." I was very hurt, and refused.

There is not much work in banking, and I am being let go. The partners with whom I work have consistently praised my performance. However, there are other people whom I have never worked with, and with whom the senior associate works quite often, who are not being let go.

I am now wondering if I was let go because banking is slow, or if my personal relationship with the senior associate somehow caused this.

Am I just being paranoid?

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A:

My sympathies to you for being subject to this lame Lothario. Pity his clueless fianc�, too.

And no, you're not being paranoid. In fact, according to employment lawyers, you have the makings of a claim. But let's look back in the past to realize how things can get this way, even with the most innocent of intentions all around (although sounds like your paramour wasn't exactly innocent himself).

As Paul Buchanan, chair of the labor and employment group at Stoel Rives LLP in Oregon, notes, "This situation illustrates the perils of dating relationships in the workplace, for both parties, where the individuals involved are at different places in the company's hierarchy." Even though the guy you dated isn't a partner, he still can have an impact on your career, for instance with job evaluations, flow of work assignments, and eventually on decisions like layoffs or making partner. Because of this interaction, no one can be real sure that the decisions made about your career had anything to do with your involvement or your refusal to carry on the relationship.

As Buchanan points out, what a lousy way for this guy to start a marriage, "if he ends up pulled into a lawsuit or EEOC charge where the claim is made that the termination was a kind of quid pro quo sexual harassment, i.e. that the associate was terminated because of her refusal to continue their relationship." Not exactly a great way to enhance his career, either. Buchanan says that, with the facts as you've presented them, you have the "raw material" for a claim, if you decide to take this path. (If you even think about this, make sure to consult someone who can be very clear about the personal and professional consequences of doing so for you.)

Puzzling out office romances is a tough issue and resolving these issues is one of the indisputable, if complex, results of mixing large numbers of men and women in the workforce. I'm absolutely not in the "no way" category, as people meet each other and naturally are attracted or fall in love while on the job. (Indeed, one study of workplaces reported that 71% of employees have either observed or participated in a workplace romance, 24% of managers have been romantically involved with a co-worker at least once, and 33% of all romances develop at work.) We should all celebrate when healthy relationships, partnerships or marriages are the result.

However, for the sake of self preservation, people do need to be very clear about potential consequences. As Buchanan points out, even if people are nominally at similar levels (junior vs. senior associate), that imbalance can have an impact. Thus avoiding relationships with any power imbalance, or within a particular department where you are interacting with the same superiors, is a good rule of thumb. Unfortunately, a relationship that can seem fun and harmless at the outset can wind up being very hurtful and ultimately redound to your disadvantage, as you have found.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work