New York Lawyer
June 12, 2003

Q:
I am a married male associate at a big law firm in the city. Like most associates at firms like mine, I work very long hours. My wife and I work very hard at my marriage to keep the stresses of firm life from interfering with our relationship. Recently, however, a problem has arisen at work that I don't know how to deal with.

For some time now, I have been on a complex case with a small team of lawyers. I work closely with the members of my team for long hours on end. One of the associates is a female associate close in seniority. It has become increasingly clear to me that this female associate has romantic feelings for me. I am not concerned with my ability to resist temptation. Although I respect my fellow associate professionally, like her on a social level, and find her attractive, I know that my love for, and commitment to, my wife is strong enough that I will not make any advances toward my colleague.

My problem, however, is that I am concerned that the escalating feelings and advances of my fellow associate may one day culminate in a sexual proposition that I am unwilling to accept. As I mentioned earlier, I am part of a small team on a complex case. I don't see that reassignment is an option, however, since my knowledge of the case cannot be easily replaced, nor is the case at a procedural posture where such a change can be made. My question is, if and when my colleague makes a sexual advance on me, how can I, in a professional and polite way, reject her? I am extremely nervous about this possibility because the rejection will be extremely awkward and embarrassing for both of us and I don't want to act in a way that will cause problems with my career and give me a bad reputation.

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A:

I'm not sure I see a huge issue. You're married, after all, which is a pretty air-tight excuse for nixing a fling. I think you're being a little too charitable towards her and too hard on yourself. Remember she's the one putting you in an awkward position, not the other way around. For instance, I'm not sure I see the potential for you gaining a "bad reputation." If anything, it seems to me that any person, male or female, who hits on married people (I take it this other person is not married) is not viewed too favorably.

To me your question projects ambivalence. Maybe you're secretly flattered, thinking, "If I were single I'd be all over her," or, "Help! I'm attracted to someone other than my wife and don't know what to do." This doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human -- but you should clarify how you feel and what the issue is. If you're wrestling with your feelings, admit that to yourself so you know what the problem is. If you're really afraid you will succumb, that's a different issue than the one you've presented.

However, assuming that in fact your resolve is ironclad, you should head this problem off before it starts. Time-honored preemptive approaches include:

Avoid, avoid, avoid: Don't be alone with her, don't dine together, avoid late night working sessions where it's just the two of you, etc. If she makes direct comments about your appearance or compliments and flatters you, laugh off the remarks and dismiss them politely. If she flirts, bring the conversation back to the work at hand.

Put your marriage in her face: Talk ad nauseum about your wife, citing her many sterling qualities. Rush home as soon as you can after work, saying you can't wait to see your spouse. Organize social outings where your spouse comes along so that this associate can see you together and can get to know your wife. You can set things up so that it's undeniable you're an off limits guy.

Hopefully these approaches will do the trick and she'll get the picture. If, however, she comes right out and propositions you, first, be thankful she's not a client, which happens quite frequently (more to women than men). Then you'd be in the position of worrying that if you reject her she'll yank her business. And also be thankful you don't report to her, nor she to you; you'd be in a similar pickle. You don't have a power imbalance, which complicates resolution enormously.

However, you say you do want to preserve your working relationship with this woman in order to preserve the tightly knit team that is trying to do a superb job for the client. You need to preserve her dignity and not humiliate her. If it actually comes to a direct talk, say something along the lines of, "I'm married. And my marriage is paramount. I would never betray my wife in that way. I'm concerned you may think this is a rejection, but it's more a reflection of the reality of my life. I enjoy working with you, I respect your intellect, and I want to continue doing a good job for the client. Above all, it's critically important to me to preserve our working relationship."

While you don't want to unduly hurt her feelings you can't soft pedal it too much, otherwise she may not get the message and may be encouraged. Sit her down, look her in the eye and say something that makes it clear she should back off.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work