New York Lawyer
April 17, 2003

Q:
The males in my firm (smallish transactional firm -- 14 attorneys) often hang out together, have drinks after work, go to lunch, participate in sports pools, go to sporting events, and I recently heard even play poker together on the weekends. The female attorneys (2 of us) are almost always left out. I rarely get asked to lunch, etc. and I usually don't even know about other activities unless I overhear someone talking about it afterwards. Granted some of these guys are friends from way back, but some are not and they are still included. Nor is it an age thing - the youngest male associate is younger than I am and he gets invited routinely.

I've worked here for four years and I think everyone likes me. On the rare occasion that I am invited, I always accept if I can because I want to impress upon them that I like to be included. Besides the fact that my feelings are hurt by this exclusion, I wonder if I'm missing any opportunities during these informal gatherings. It's obviously a pretty social group and I'm not getting to socialize like my male counterparts. Your thoughts on this situation would be appreciated.

Submit Your Question

Find More Answers

A:

You're right to be concerned. As many men in law firms have pointed out to me, it's comfortable for men to hang out with men, and indeed women in turn have said they tend to go out more with their female colleagues. Many will say this is only natural as it's how people feel "comfortable."

This would be fine if after-hours partying didn't have career consequences. There's little question that the informal networking in law firms is a key way to get to know partners. By building on those relationships, you can help the partners feel more comfortable with handing out great assignments, and thereafter helping you assume more responsibility and even winning partnerships. So if women are systematically cut out of the drinks at the bar or the basketball games, they are likely to miss out on the professional benefits, too.

Interestingly, there's a big gender gap in the perception of this phenomenon as a barrier to advancement. A survey of lawyers by Catalyst done in 2001 revealed that 52% of the female respondents believed that exclusion from informal internal networks was a barrier in law firms, whereas only 16% of the men thought that this presented an obstacle for women. Another survey, this one conducted last year by the Committee on Women in the Law, of the New York State Bar Association, found that while fully 96% of the men agreed that both males and females had equal opportunities to engage in outside social outings, a significant lower percentage of women -- 69% -- agreed with the statement.

Data like this should be a wakeup call to those in charge. Partners in particular should take responsibility for the fact that those after-hour cocktails can translate into strong professional bonds. In many companies supervisors and managers don't socialize only with the guys or the gals, or with one group of direct reports. They don't want to feed perceptions of favoritism built on the vagaries of drinks at the bar and ringside seats (or perceptions of exclusion when people are left out). They make sure to go out with all reports, or divide their attentions evenly among many small groups, or they don't do it at all. So while the impetus for unisex socializing might not be malicious or intentionally exclusionary, the effect can be exactly that.

You don't say whether you think that in fact you have missed out on opportunities; perhaps it's not clear. In any event, whether that's so or not, your feelings are hurt by the casual assumption that the women won't want to be invited along. You may need to be more straightforward about your wish to be included. You say that when you're included you always accept, but perhaps the men aren't sure that you actually enjoy yourself, or that you want to come. (I'd bet they're completely unaware that it actually hurts your feelings.) When included, you should say, "I enjoy going out with you guys. Make sure to let me know when you're going again." If you're left out again, you can kiddingly say something like, "How can you guys have fun drinking without me?" If the guys-only behavior persists (and in particular if you notice that others get more opportunities than you do), I'd consider being more direct, and saying, "It seems like you think that the women won't want to go out with the guys in the office, but that's not the case. We would like to go but we hardly ever get invitations. Please think of us next time." These approaches could help shift the tide from one in which the males just assume that it's okay to leave you two out, to one in which they assume that you want to come along and routinely issue invitations.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work