New York Lawyer
March 27, 2003

Q:
I am a recently married mid-level associate in my firm. For the past year, I have been having an affair with one of the firm's partners, who is also recently married.

We both work in the same department and are trying to keep our private lives a secret, particularly since we invited members of the firm to each of our respective weddings. We don't know where our relationship will go, but I am wondering if I should start looking for another firm. There haven't been any problems with work but I don't want to wait for any to happen. What do you think?

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A:

My initial reaction is to feel very sorry for your respective spouses. That two newlyweds should be so rapidly cheated upon! But that's not your question.

First, you should assume that it would be impossible to keep this secret for a long time. The sad fact is that many lovers consumed with one another believe they are being discreet when in fact they can't hide their hormonal high. (One woman realized her husband was having an affair when one of his female colleagues casually took a sip from the husband's coffee cup without asking first.) Small things can trip you up. So you'll need to face the problem, as indeed you sound prepared to do in your question.

Your firm may have a policy on office romances, so consult it to see what the expectations are in the office environment. The fact that you are having a sexual relationship within the context of a reporting relationship (you're an associate in the same department as your paramour, a partner) is the great red flag of office romances. Any employment lawyer will tell you that such relationships are strongly discouraged and require that adjustments be made, whether it's one of you leaving the firm, changing departments, or what have you. Even if some change were made to avoid the "reporting relationship" problem, certainly a partner could potentially have an impact on your career at some stage, such as when you are up for partner, deciding salary or bonuses, weighing in on reviews, etc.

And, even if there is no reporting relationship, a partner has to be very careful about this kind of involvement. Employment lawyers again will advise that it's a risk for the firm because, if the relationship sours, an underling may see future negative actions against him or her as payback and bring charges of sexual harassment or retaliation. And there's a flip side: in the future, it could be that you want to end the relationship and your paramour doesn't, at which point you could find yourself in a potential sexual harassment situation. Your firm again undoubtedly has a policy covering this situation -- but do you even want to get into that position?

Which leads me to the most important point: you need to take a step back and coldly analyze what you're doing. Both of you are playing with fire in your personal and professional lives. Most relationships of this sort don't end happily but rather with devastated feelings all around and often with careers thrown into a tailspin, especially for the more junior person -- that is, you. So take a hard look at what you're doing and ask yourself whether it's really worth it to carry on such a hazardous high wire act.

As a result, if you like your firm, I wouldn't suggest you go charging off and get another job (having to start all over again in a new place) unless you think that this is a real relationship that will endure through the breakup of two marriages. I mean - how likely is it? Think about it and back out of your extra-marital fling if possible.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work