New York Lawyer
October 31, 2002

Q:
I am a father and a lawyer with 12 years of experience who is working at a New York City firm where the "unofficial culture" is that work comes first. Officially, of course, this is a professional environment where family and work are appropriately balanced.

I previously had my own firm where I often worked from home so I could participate in my young children's lives and I am also used to working at home after putting the kids to bed. According to at least one partner at the firm who has commented on my leaving the office when he is still there, that doesn't "cut it" at the new place.

I feel I am being judged harshly for leaving at 6:45 when others stay until 7:30 or so. I am always available by cell phone and have no problem working from home at night to get projects done, but it appears that "face time" is as important as product.

Am I being unreasonable in my expectations? Is it time to find someplace else? Am I "selling out" if I agree to the culture and don't see my kids between Sunday night and Saturday morning? There are mothers here at the firm who leave before I do who do not seem to suffer from the same scrutiny. Is this sexual discrimination?

I don't want to be one of those people who wake up one morning and realize that they don't know their kids and whose marriage is a shambles because the pursuit of the mighty dollar kept him at the office every night.

What do you suggest?

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A:

Your issue is one shared -- generally in private -- by many men. A misconception about work/life issues is that they are mostly a concern about women. Increasingly that isn�t true. More and more men would like balance, flexibility in their job arrangements, and recognition that they are just as important to the parenting equation as mothers. For instance, a 2001 survey of lawyers conducted by Catalyst revealed that 45 percent of women and 34 percent of men cited work/life balance as one of the top reasons they selected their current employer. The survey also found that one in two women, and one in five men, want reduced schedules. Additionally, it revealed that two thirds of women and half of men who shifted to an inhouse employer did so because of work/life issues.

Another misconception is that flexibility is only for parents. There are lots of people who want more flexibility for reasons other than parenting -- caring for elderly relatives, pursuing high-level volunteer work, or wanting free time simply to ensure sanity. What�s hypocritical is something you pointed out: that officially work/life balance is so affably encouraged, when unofficially the message is that favoring family "doesn�t cut it." It�s frustrating to get mixed messages.

You�re right that there is more acceptance of women leaving early and having flexibility than for men. While this probably is discrimination, remember that the supposed leniency towards women comes with many disadvantages. Flexible arrangements, especially part-time work, often don�t work out in the long run, resulting in disillusion and resentment all around. Frequently this is due to a lack of planning, a lack of communication, and a lack of respect for people who publicly make room for their private life. Many people on flexible arrangements find that their stock plummets so sharply that they end up chucking the job and go elsewhere, or they stay home for a few years.

You�re not being unreasonable at all in your expectations for understanding about balance and respecting your wish to be a family man. It could be that this particular workplace isn�t aligned with your values, however. If leaving 45 minutes before others raises eyebrows, there�s not a lot of leeway in your office. But don�t beat yourself up for "selling out" by conforming to expected guidelines within your office: that�s where you�re working now and you feel an understandable pressure to do what�s expected. Whether you have to like it, and whether you can do something about it, is another story.

There are men who insist on adhering to predictable schedules, still churning out good work but on their own terms (working from home when needed, using all the gadgetry available in this day and age). They don�t try to hide their family responsibilities but don�t make too big a deal out of them, do terrific work and sometimes are able to win over skeptics. You, too, can be a "change agent" on your own, but your attitude is key. If you don�t believe that what you are doing is legitimate, no one else will.

Having said that, your inner confidence is not a guarantee that your colleagues will respect you, even if you do top-notch work, when you veer away from their established success formula (face time equals devotion equals advancement). If that�s the only way to get ahead in your firm, you�ll need to reassess.

What men need to do is to speak up more. They have to stop thinking that each one of them is the only one out there who�s frustrated by long hours and inflexible schedules, and who wishes he could get some of the flexibility given to women. The best approach is for men and women to act together, as concerned lawyers broadly desiring more balance, rather than letting these issues divide along gender lines.

Your fear that devoting so much time to the job that you miss out on your kids and marriage is a legitimate one. I�ve talked with many lawyers who have said that their single-minded devotion to the job resulted in unstable or even disastrous family relationships, a fact they sorely regretted in hindsight. Decide what�s important in your life and shape your world accordingly.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work