New York Lawyer
September 26, 2002

Q:
I work with one of our biggest clients. She is a bully and is always yelling and complaining and bitching. She can be very nasty to me.

I know she's very aggressive by nature and is always looking for the wrong and never the right. She also treats other people this way.

My problem is that after every conversation with her I am upset and defensive and close to tears more often than not, largely because I can't tell her off (as she's one of the biggest clients and I could lose my job).

I'm able to stand up to other bullies but am at a loss as to how to handle her. How can I get her to stop treating me like this?

Submit Your Question

Find More Answers

A:

Bullies in the office are bad enough. Bully clients are far worse. Behavior that people wouldn�t tolerate for two seconds from their colleagues is surprisingly acceptable when there�s a hefty fee attached to putting up with it. Many, many people have been in your position and gritted their teeth through a tongue lashing, their blood boiling and visions of revenge dancing in their heads.

First, you need a reality check about the perception of this woman from others in the workplace. Is there anybody in the firm you can share your grievances with? Perhaps others have dealt with her and you can get some tips. Even better, you could get more senior people to informally chat with her. Failing that, you could ask for permission to deal with her more forthrightly so that you don�t get so upset and can maintain some self respect.

That way you don�t carry the blame for defending yourself (properly) against someone whose behavior is inexcusable, and don�t have to worry about getting fired.

If that whole scenario is out -- perhaps you are the senior person, or you don�t feel free to admit that you�re having a problem -- you�re left to your own devices. Fortunately, you�ve already realized that this is the way she is to everyone, which helps to depersonalize it. As you already know, it isn�t you, it�s her. So don�t take her ranting as a valid assessment of your abilities.

It�s interesting that you can stand up to other bullies, but not this one. Think through the distinction between this woman and others and try to pinpoint exactly what holds you back.

Often a bully can be mollified with a sharp, firm response. She can get so accustomed to operating at full throttle, unchecked, that when she is pulled up short, she can be surprised and sometimes mollified. If you bark back once or twice, that can do the trick. It seems counterintuitive but some meanies just need to see that you can be harsh yourself in order to back down a little.

Another approach is the opposite. Keep an even tone of voice throughout, regardless of the screeching you hear on the other end of the phone, and remain unruffled. This can quiet things down as well. Don�t let her get away with broad-brush insults that don�t illuminate the problem. Talk in facts and specifics that will defuse some of the tension. So if she says, "This is the worst writing I�ve ever seen!", you can respond, "Let�s identify the specific things you find are deficient so that I can work on them."

If you can stand being more direct with her, a classic approach is to explain the effect she�s having on you, rather than telling her how unbearable she is. For instance, you can say, "You upset me when you criticize me all the time. I think that you believe I�m not working hard or doing a good job, when in fact I�m working very hard and believe that this is quality work. Let�s try to clear this up, because it�s having a bad effect on me."

Another rationale: Is the work on the case and client interesting? Can it help you get ahead ultimately? If you�re working on such a big case, it�s got to be a measure of your abilities and the respect that others have for you. Look for the good things (usually there�s something). Do you work with this client all the time? Are there other cases you can try to get on to ease the pain?

From the sound of things, without a change, you won�t be able to last too much longer with this. Frequent encounters with a person who leaves you sputtering with frustration isn�t a sustainable scenario. Best of luck in dealing with your nemesis.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work