New York Lawyer
August 1, 2002

Q:
I have a colleague who drives me crazy. She�s very smart, ambitious, an excellent lawyer. But I don�t trust her.

She�s always slipping in critical remarks under cover of laughter or jokes. Like she�ll say, "Way to go, losing that summary judgment motion! Whoa, ace lawyer!" Then she�ll add, patting my arm, "You know I�m just kidding."

The way she says these things -- often in front of others -- makes it hard to respond. It kind of shakes my self confidence and I definitely don�t appreciate her saying this stuff in front of colleagues.

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A:

There are people who are competitive and it�s hard to know how to handle them if you are not in fact a competitive type. Some are blatant and humorless about it. But others are a little more slippery, like your colleague.

The first line of defense, of course, is to ignore her or avoid her. This is not, after all, the worst thing that can happen. But if it�s repeated, ongoing and seems more than a little calculated, it could be that it makes sense to try to do something rather than just forget about it.

If it really bothers you, you could figure out a plan and lie in wait. She may not realize how she comes across and could perhaps use a dose of her own medicine. Thus if you know about a "problem" she has, you could respond to one of her jibes in turn with an equally affable reference to her slip-up. In my experience people like this have no idea whatsoever the effect they have on others and, once stung themselves, are startled by how much it hurts. That may provide the shock treatment necessary to get her to reflect a little on how she relates to others.

The danger is that you might not be able to carry it off and it can look a little lame, like she�s gotten under your skin and you�re angrily striking back. A different approach is to respond more in amusement or even sorrow than anger or irritation. "Glad you�ve been keeping track of my every move," is one dry response.

Another approach is to think about this woman and try to understand what�s going on with her. Is she insecure, and acts the way she does in an effort to bolster her own fragile ego? Is she in a very high-pressure practice area where everyone is competitive and sharp-elbowed? If you can understand a little better where she�s coming from her remarks might have more context and seem a little less directed at you specifically, and more a suit of armor she dons to make her way through the workday.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work