New York Lawyer
June 27, 2002

Q:
I am a male senior associate, and I am having trouble with a female senior associate from another firm that I am on a case with (same client, handling different aspects of the case).

She flirts endlessly, calls late at night to see if I�m in the office and suggests "drinks to talk over the case," wants to have lunch or dinner following a conference, and so forth. I am not interested, but I�m worried that it will be awkward to work on this case together if I do a real blow-off.

She�s also basically a nice person and I don�t want to hurt her feelings.

By the way, I have to say I�m much more sympathetic now to women who get pursued by men who can�t take a hint.

Submit Your Question

Find More Answers

A:
You�re right that this is awkward, and it�s great that you�re sensitive enough to want to deal with the situation so that she isn�t too badly hurt.

I can pass on advice that legions of women have accumulated from time immemorial. This is tempered, however, with advice that you must do the best thing for the client. That obviously doesn�t require dating someone you don�t want to, or being flirtatious, but it does require a heightened awareness that your actions don�t exist in a vacuum.

There are several approaches that are possible.

First is the totally honest but sympathetic approach. You can have a conversation in which you simply say to her what�s going on -- that you sense she�s interested, that you don�t think it�s a relationship that would work, that you don�t want to hurt her feelings because you like her and want to keep working together amicably. Sort of "let�s be friends" plus. It�s hard to do, but the best interests of the client would weigh in favor of this approach.

You can even include that in your approach, "I�m concerned that the client might be affected, and I want this to be very professional." This doesn�t happen very often because it requires the most courage.

Then there�s a more indirect approach. Establish a buddy relationship by frequent references to working "as a team" and saying you think of her as a sister. Throw in references about going to the movies with someone named "Jane" (although you don�t say your sexual orientation). Ask her who she�s going out with. This probably happens a fair amount.

Finally there�s the classic "big chill" where you duck her calls and avoid her. People do get hints and she may actually, over time. This is the most frequent approach that people take. It may be complicated in your case because to some extent you probably have to take her calls and can�t really avoid her, which argues for the first approach.

As a result of this experience, take advantage of your new-found sympathy for women and try to be a change agent in your workplace.

If women complain about being annoyed or harassed by clients or co-counsel (and it happens a lot), believe it.

This kind of thing happens on a daily basis for many women and having to navigate around these folks along with performing difficult legal work compounds the daily headache. Don�t dismiss these sorts of complaints, especially about clients. Many times people think, "Well, you should give the clients a little more room" and leave it up to the person involved to struggle with finessing the situation.

You can communicate the simple understanding that you are gaining as a result of this situation in a way that can help others feel they aren�t alone or marginalized in this area.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work