New York Lawyer
May 9, 2002

Q:
I'm married and love nothing better after a hard day at the office than spending some quality time with my husband. But a group of my colleagues frequently go out for a round (or two or three) of drinks after work, and they always invite me along.

I'd rather go home and put my feet up, but I don't want to seem like I'm unsociable. How can I balance these demands on my limited free time?

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A:
You�ve identified a key issue for many people seeking a sane life. While "work" gets done during the usual hours, another part of "work" -- the schmoozing, networking, building-relationships part -- gets done after hours. This can be frustrating for people who have demanding private lives (read: kids, hobbies, spouses), or for people who just feel like their work should speak for itself -- never mind this partying stuff.

This issue requires balancing priorities. If you are very ambitious and are in a firm that values informal ties and relationships as much as (or more than) concrete criteria for advancement, getting ahead will require the after-hours kibitzing. If you are less ambitious, or are not sure you want to remain in this law firm, and if advancement seems to be based more on the quality of the work you do, the socializing may not be quite as important.

Another approach to the problem is to do as much as you can to build relationships with your colleagues during the working day. People are busy but there are still opportunities to chat, have lunch and get to know people, so that you aren�t an unknown entity. The critical point is to avoid being a stranger who just does her work and goes home, unknown to all but a few. There needs to be a lot of data out there about you, so that judgments about your worth and even likability aren�t based on just a couple of individuals� viewpoints.

If you find that building relationships is too difficult to do during the day, and too much to pile on after a day�s work, you may wind up working elsewhere -- either in a firm that�s less pressured or a different kind of employer altogether. It�s critical that you discuss this with your husband. Many people neglect personal relationships in the name of ambition only to wake up too late and realize that their personal relationships are gone. Have conversations about your long term career direction with your spouse, so that the two of you agree on overall goals, and maintain open communication about the value or lack thereof in carousing with your colleagues after work.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work