New York Lawyer
December 27, 2001

Q:
I�m a partner. I�ve been told that I am not a good listener -- that when people tell me things, I seem impatient and unsympathetic. Recently an associate came in and started complaining about how hard an assignment was (it was not difficult at all), and I was trying to get about ten things out at the same time. I just blew up at him.

Then I hear that I don�t listen! It�s hard enough to get my work done. I just think you hear what someone has to say and offer a solution. And sometimes the �problems� just aren�t problems, they�re all about people whining. Am I wrong?

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A:
Listening is probably at least as much about diplomacy and getting along with people as it is about the straightforward issue of simply hearing what someone has to say and responding. If people don�t think they are being listened to, they will concentrate on being angry and defensive rather than on trying to fix their problems.

The reason people think you don�t listen is that you jump right to a solution rather than appearing to absorb what they have said. Making it clear that you are listening to people can seem like an onerous waste of time when �solutions� are clear, but it�s vital for strong working relationships that people believe they are being heard.

A deceptively simple, but amazingly effective, technique is �active listening.� All you do is repeat back to the person what he or she said: �So you�re saying that you weren�t clear on the guidelines for this assignment?� Try it for a week. You will see that people look relieved and unburdened, because they will truly believe you have heard them. You can then move on to the solutions.

Keep in mind, though, that �solutions� need examination too. In the case you talk about -- the annoying associate complaining about a matter he�s working on -- you may need to explain more than you did. If the person habitually complains about small things, it�s time to have a broader conversation about his independence and pro-activeness.

The role of stress can�t be underestimated in these situations. It is much harder to listen and respond constructively when you are going out of your mind with the press of business; even valid difficulties can indeed seem like whining under those circumstances. People who are habitually �too busy to listen� tend to have more of these issues than others.

Remember that short-term �too busy� leads to long-term problems for everybody, including and especially yourself. Take a closer look at why you are so stressed, to see if you can manage things more efficiently.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work