New York Lawyer
December 6, 2001

Q:
My friend just failed the bar exam. What should I say to him?

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A:
Professionally, there are few things that surpass this event in terms of sheer awfulness, aside from being disbarred. It�s almost as bad as a death in the family. And as with death, there�s a tendency to avoid people who�ve gotten the bad news. But you can help your friend out.

Put yourself in his place, to start off with. Often this is the first big failure such a person has experienced -- and it�s a biggie. �It�s always an embarrassment for people,� notes Ellen Wayne, dean of career services at Columbia University School of Law. �It�s a grieving process, and these are people who�ve never failed at anything. They�ve hit a major bump in the road.�

This is a time of feeling humiliated, isolated, lonely, rejected, and out of step with all the folks who passed, who are celebrating and looking forward to the future while your friend is signing up for a new, costly review course. Also, it�s particularly threatening that this happens at the outset of one�s career. Peoples� heads spin at the thought that perhaps the whole law thing was a huge mistake, that they�ve utterly failed, and on and on.

You can�t give them what they want � the magic letter saying they�ve passed � but you absolutely can provide strong emotional support. Here are some thoughts:

You can point out that many prominent, successful lawyers started out by flunking the bar. They don�t go around advertising it, but it�s true, and they were all devastated at the time. This is how you know that failing the bar exam is not a pronouncement on your ability to practice. It is a hurdle that many believe bears little relationship to actual practice, but it nevertheless is an obstacle that you must get over. Focusing on it as an unrelated, almost mechanical thing that simply must be dealt with (rather than viewed as a test of one�s ultimate value) depersonalizes it a little.

If your friend can stand some friendly cross-examination, you could talk through his study regime. Did the person take sufficient time to prepare? Study correctly? If they want to discuss it in more detail, perhaps review the study schedule � lots of times people just didn�t put in enough effort, or they studied improperly. Dean Wayne points that people generally can get copies of their exams to study so they can see where things went awry.

Wayne also urges that people re-take the bar in the next administration, rather than taking a break. �It�s better to take it again immediately, because your knowledge is still fresh and it�s easier to get yourself back into the study mode that you have been in,� she recommends.

Also, tell them to be wary of remarks from people who are not lawyers. Lay people don�t get it and may unwittingly make things worse with careless reactions. They may not understand how truly devastating flunking the bar is.

I think the most important thing you can do, though, is to make yourself more available for your friend. Give your buddy the gift of time and support. Insist on taking him out, getting them sloshed, whatever � surround the person with fun to send the message that the person is valued, and that it�s not the end of the world. Help your friend through this painful passage and he can emerge with squared shoulders, ready to go back to the mat.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work