New York Lawyer
November 29, 2001

Q:
What can you do when people make stupid �joke� remarks that are offensive? Do you just let them go by or do you say something?

I am a female lawyer and I have male colleagues who do this kind of thing. For instance, when I�m working late, they will say to me, jokingly, �Shouldn�t you be getting home to make Bob [my husband] a gourmet meal?� They�re joking, definitely, but it annoys me. Or they�ll refer to a younger woman, a staff member who is unmarried, as their �wife� and joke that she should get their dry cleaning and do errands for them.

Sometimes it skates pretty close to the edge of acceptability, getting very sexual. Not only is this juvenile, but it seems unbelievably unprofessional in this day and age. I want to say something but I don�t want to seem like a person who can�t take a joke.

Submit Your Question

Find More Answers

A:
Adopting a comfortable workplace style sometimes is hard -- for women in particular. I�ve heard many women complain that it�s hard to walk the fine line between being overly aloof and humorless on the one hand, and going along with juvenile office byplay on the other. (Many African Americans and gays and lesbians complain about this sort of thing, too.) There are other alternatives.

The best way is to use humor in front of others, to get your point across but not be nasty. You then preserve the relationship but also give the person something to think about; namely that you can �take a joke� but will not encourage antics that are really put-downs in disguise.

If snappy comebacks aren�t your specialty, try talking with people individually. Draw one of these fellows aside and talk with him about the effect he�s having. After all, he may not realize how he comes across. You can say, in a neutral and non-judgmental way, �I know you�re just kidding around, but because you make these jokes all the time, it starts to seem like you actually mean some of this stuff.�

Or get someone else, preferably another man, to talk with him (not to provide �protection� for females but to show the jokester that both men and women can find this kind of talk offensive). The guy of course ought to be well-versed in sexual harassment law and avoid a �hostile environment� situation. And the firm should be aware that things like this are going on so they reduce any possible exposure. You could also talk to women who seem to be going along with these �jokes,� pointing out that office morale suffers when people appear to endorse these attitudes.

It�s my feeling that these kidding remarks seem less harmful to younger lawyers, male and female, than they do to older lawyers. If so, young attorneys need to wise up pretty quickly to the reality of developing good working relationships. The office is not like college or law school, where you can choose who to hang out with. In the working world you�re often stuck with a colleague who wouldn�t automatically be your friend. All joking aside, everyone needs to make adjustments to ensure a humane and safe working environment for all.

Sincerely,
Holly English
Principal Consultant, Values at Work