New York Lawyer
November 26, 2002

Q:
I'm a practicing attorney who is currently writing a cookbook.

In the past, I ran a successful fashion design business and taught cooking classes while practicing law. I believe you simply have to find the time if a particular activity is important to you.

The bottom line is that you just have to find the time to pursue your interests.

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A:

The proof that work-life balance is possible is that someone does it -- whether it's you or Scott Turow, who still practices law while knocking off a novel or two. The question that often arises from envious admirers is, "How do you do it?" As Felix so properly points out, much of that freedom and satisfaction he enjoys comes from the fact that he loves it. Put another way, Felix knows the difference between "Musts" and "Wants," and he insists that high priority satisfactions don't slip down the scale when it comes to allocating your time and energy.

Of course, we should recognize that different human beings have very different levels of energy to begin with -- and that their natural energy level is recharged in remarkably different ways. Some people recharge by sleeping, others by reflecting or meditating. Others by socializing. Others by creating things. Others by "doin' stuff" -- whether that's long, slow bike rides or sky-diving. Each of our reservoirs of energy has a natural set point; it can be drained to zero, but it probably can't be filled past a certain point. Part of growing up is learning the nature and capacity of your energy reservoir -- and accepting that some folks simply will need less sleep than you, operate at a higher energy level, or require less recharge time. Everybody is looking to "find the time" to get more things done, but many may have less time to find than you.

Moreover, the great challenge is really not to "find time." It's to allocate time effectively. When we get good at that, it seems as if there is more time -- more for work, more for meeting family obligations, and last -- way down there at the tail end ... when all other duties and obligations have been discharged -- maybe just a little bit of time for ones' personal satisfactions. Felix evidently is not only a skilled time allocator, but he has resolved to push the personal satisfaction component higher up his priority scale. He makes it sound easy, because he's good at it. It's not easy. It's just all-important.

In speaking of motivation, shrinks and career counselors speak of "internal locus of control" versus "external locus of control." What they're describing is whether you define your own priorities, or whether you tend to respond to pressures (well-intentioned, of course) from all the outside people who are happy to tell you how you should live your life. Psychoanalyst Karen Horney labeled these outside forces "the tyranny of the 'shoulds.'".

People whose motivational profiles contain high needs for security, acceptance, status, financial well-being and conformity have to play by other peoples' rules; that's the cost of being included and (unless you're a rock star, or Turow) of making the really big bucks. If the book is worth the candle, fine -- but these people often express the stress of having their priorities defined by other people.

Folks like the writer of this week�s question with a stronger internal locus of control don't necessarily have to go through life yelling, "To hell with you and the horse you rode in on!" But they do have to have a comfortable faith in their own judgment about what is important and what is rewarding. Other's opinions just aren't allowed to matter all that much. Some have that facility from birth. Others learn it the hard way -- by experiencing the fact that their attempts to accommodate all the demands on them keep draining their tank.

I believe it is important to distinguish between being tired out, being stressed out and being burned out. The first is simply a matter of physical fatigue. The solution is to eat some calories and get some rest. Being stressed out may feel similarly fatiguing, but it's basically a psychological response to losing control over the allocation of one's time and energies. It stems from not getting one's psychological needs met. The only helpful path is -- like Felix -- to identify your psychological needs in considerable detail, give 'em a name, and then elevate them to the top not of your wish list, but to the top of your must list. One's needs may be very different from the person's in the cubicle next to yours, so do not assume that everyone is wired and refreshed the same way you are.

Burnout, as the late Deborah Arron so elegantly put it, is "the unacknowledged state of systematically putting other peoples' interests ahead of your own." The problem with true burnout is that you can't diminish it by rest; if you take time off, you only feel guilty and selfish for not continuing to address everyone else's demands and needs. The first step to alleviating burnout is acknowledging that you're too much under others' control. Therapy can help; at the very least some candid self-assessment is called for. Denial and burnout are good friends.

This question shows us that there is a fundamental difference between being motivated and being driven. The former has an internal locus of control, the latter external. Both forces lead to achievement -- and what employer is going to argue with that? But motivation leads to satisfaction which leads to more motivation -- a positive, self-reinforcing loop. Being driven leads to perfectionism, self-criticism ... and burnout.

So we can thank this question for helping us ask a powerful introspective question: In my work, family life and personal satisfactions, am I driving or being driven?

Sincerely,
Douglas B. Richardson
President, The Richardson Group